These People Don’t Rate Us — and Good Health be Damned!

After I published my most recent article, I got told off by an overzealous friend for, according to her, always spreading bad news about Nigeria. Apparently, “spreading bad news is bad for your health.” Well, I’m back with more bad news. Good health be damned!

It’s been a tumultuous few days in Nigerian politics. And that’s saying a lot, as even at the most ordinary of times, Nigeria can be the theater of the good, bad, and downright absurd. One only needs to spend, say 15 minutes at the neighborhood beer parlor, and you can be sure of hearing it all.

Beer parlours here can be quite an amusing place to while away some time — or some sorrow, as men of all ages, social statuses, and potbelly size, gather under a tree or by a roadside shack, united by a love of beer. Not all who visit beer parlours are particularly sorrowful to be fair. Some come celebrating one victory or the other, others simply to meet with friends, and yet others come simply chasing the bliss of inebriation.

Usually, one of these characters will take it upon himself to tell some tale — of dubious authenticity more often than not, while the others chip in with occasional words of support, or, just as likely, vociferous opposition.

And in this setting, once enough beer has paid its toll to the right oesophagus, one may hear it all, even away from commentary surrounding life in Nigeria, to “expert” opinions on matters such as the history of NATO (pronounced by the eloquent narrator, on one occasion, as NAH-TOE), to an expose on Sir Alex Ferguson’s secret methods.

Last week’s auditory diet was not of the alcohol-fueled, beer parlour variety, however. In the past week, the pages of Nigerian newspapers have featured, day after day, headlines that must boggle any rational mind. Each one, thought-provoking, sometimes comic, and almost always tragic — if not for some actual physical tragedy, then for the sensory tragedy brought about by having borne witness to some instance of absurdity.

I will attempt a walk-through of some of the more notable headlines. It will be a catalogue of moments where I thought to myself, “this person cannot possibly be serious.”

We’ll take off, naturally, close to home. My neighbour here in Abuja, the honourable President of the Senate, Senator Ahmad Lawan has been busy. Among other things, Senator Lawan took DSTV to task this week.

Here’s a bit of context:

DSTV is a cable TV network owned by South African giant, MultiChoice. The company offers a rich selection of channels and programming such as premier league football, music videos, and endless streams of telenovelas whose storylines and characters are not significantly distinguishable.

Recently, the company has indicated its plan to increase its pricing but the National Assembly (the Senate plus the house of Representatives), is having none of it. Because how dare a privately owned company increase its prices?

In the words of Senator Lawan:

“…And that is to say don’t dare our country. No increase in tariffs…When the legitimate interests of our people are threatened, we are supposed to ensure that we protect them.”

Tough talk for a country that has been dared on all fronts, with little to no response. For instance, on Sunday, gunmen attacked a village in Plateau State, killing over a hundred persons. On the same day, in nearby Benue State, militants, so-called, attacked a group of Christian worshipers and killed 24 by the latest news reports. All this comes as several passengers remain in the custody of the kidnappers who yanked them off a Kaduna-bound train two weeks ago.

In Nigeria, there is always an initial outpouring of outrage at such events, but this tends to fade quite quickly, almost as if Nigerians are always pacing themselves for the next outpouring of outrage. There are no protests, as you probably would expect, for example. There are no calls for accountability beyond mere platitudes, and no one gets relieved of their shirked duties.

Our officials tend to vacillate and then switch their attention very swiftly to trivial matters, like DSTV pricing.

The first problem with the National Assembly attempting to regulate DSTV pricing is the fact that Nigeria is a democracy and inherent in that arrangement is the understanding that the government should, as much as possible, allow markets to be regulated by the laws of demand and supply, — those axiomatic forces whose interaction to regulate the predatory instincts of free-market supply is best known by the epithet coined by Adam Smith, i.e “the invisible hand”.

That was an unnecessarily convoluted paragraph but that’s how I sometimes think, and therefore, how I sometimes write.

I can’t help but wonder if some readers might find this style of writing somewhat obnoxious. But writing is one of those things that really shouldn’t be twisted and disfigured to fit the tastes of every single reader. As an artistic expression, if you don’t like it, simply don’t read it.

And that’s the point. Like artistic expression, so also, cable TV. If you don’t like the prices, don’t pay for a DSTV subscription. It’s cable TV, not bread.

And even if it were, the baker must be allowed to reserve his right to charge what he feels is adequate compensation for his bread. Again, if you don’t like it, go and bake your own bread.

But, to give the National Assembly some credit for their knowledge of economics, maybe cable TV is one of those goods that are so vital to the conduct of life and the survival of the nation that some degree of government regulation is justifiable. And who would I be to say otherwise?

But it does bring me to my second issue, though. How on earth is the price of cable TV a pressing legislative concern in Nigeria today? This is a nation beset by all sorts of ills, from violence across the spread of the federation, to record unemployment, and inflation rising as though propelled by all the hot air some of these politicians spew daily.

Away from the capital, Wednesday’s headline was that Governor Ben Ayade of Cross River State bought some nice cars for the members of the judiciary in his state.

In his words:

“I’m here with the chief judge of Cross River state, justice Akon Ikpeme. I’m here to make a presentation to our judicial officers, the vehicles that befit their status, because I have seen that the Nigerian judiciary is a dependable arm of government, an arm of government that gives hope to the common man, an arm of government that dispenses justice,”

How nice and benevolent of the State governor, chief executive of his State, to expend the State’s resources on buying cars for members of the judiciary who are meant to serve as one limb of the separation of the powers of his government, and a check and balance to his very office.

It must surely be above such a righteous man, as Governor Ayade must be, to even contemplate the idea of such tacit bribery so I won’t be as forward and impudent as to suggest that the Cross River head honcho has engaged in a blatant and open display of corruption.

You won’t hear it from my mouth.

I might suggest, though, that judges in other places outside the exceptional Cross River State are precluded from receiving gifts of such pecuniary implication, in order to preserve them from both the real and the perceived spectres of partiality.

The news headlines weren’t all serious and sombre this past week. There was a healthy dose of comedy too. Albeit of the tired and weary kind which prompted Fela Kuti to remark in one of his songs, “if I don’t laugh, I will cry”.

Nigeria recently crashed out of the world cup qualifying rounds at the final stage. Not to worry, I won’t bore you with the details.

The relevant bit is that Nigeria’s head coach, Augustine Eguavoen, and his entire team were sacked for the non-achievement of their key performance indicators, just as his predecessor Gernot Rohr was.

This week, Amaju Pinnick, head of the Nigerian Football Federation, and de jure executioner of Messrs Eguavoen, Rohr, et al was interviewed. The interviewer asked him if he would resign as NFF president, a fair question given that he has just overseen arguably the worst failure of the past decade of Nigerian football.

Mr. Pinnick, responded, with a straight face, “Some people say, ‘oh, take responsibility and resign.’ I’m a soldier, I’ll stay till the end of my tenure,”

I suppose Eguavoen and his team too might, on hearing Mr Pinnick’s self-serving defense, imagine themselves to have been “soldiers” deserving of a chance to see out their tenure.

So much for leading by example Mr. Pinnick, but thanks for the laugh.

Pinnick wasn’t the only one showing a shocking lack of self-awareness in the headlines. It’s presidential election season and as usual, an army of presidential hopefuls, both old and new have been declaring their intentions to run for the big seat.

Atiku Abubakar, a forerunner among these, is no stranger to Nigerian elections. In 1999, he ran as vice president alongside former president Olusegun Obasanjo, and again in 2003.

Well, that’s no issue and he is free to run again. The problem for Mr. Atiku is that eight years of putting up with the geriatric Muhammadu Buhari has made the Nigerian youth increasingly unwilling to tolerate another president whose physical prime is well in the past.

Atiku is not unique in this regard, as there are one or two (really just one, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu) who might fit the profile. The reason Mr. Atiku particularly features in this essay is a press statement issued on his behalf in which, among other things, he promised to hand over power to the youth — after he has had his fair share of course.

These old men — and that is no slur on the elderly, for Atiku, Buhari, and Tinubu are indeed old — clearly understand that the youth are both willing and able to handle political power. But, as is the way with mankind, selfish ambition often wins the day.

Geriatric presidencies aren’t even the issue. The issue is that Mr. Atiku seems to think that such hollow promises, hollow because power is not the President’s to hand over, even Atiku were to win the election — will be enough to swing the youth in his favour.

Not that he doesn’t know this to be a promise impossible to fulfil within legal means. Atiku has been in office as vice president, and he knows what goes on in the transition of power. He just doesn’t think the youth are smart enough to know this too.

These people clearly do not rate us. At all!

And now it makes sense why the National Assembly may think it is so important for DSTV to keep their prices affordable. If the youth are kept entertained and thus distracted, this would allow the literal old boys club in Abuja, along with those with desperation ambitions thereto, free reign to do as they wish.

Soon enough, it will be Big Brother Nigeria season, and as usual, more votes will be cast in favour of respective candidates (a total of 1.3 billion the last time), than in any Nigerian election in the history of the country.

When you think about that, well, you ask yourself, why would politicians rate us anyway?

Earlier, I touched on the horrible killings that took place in Plateau State. The president, Mr. Buhari did respond to that. His response was that he will fish out the killers.

Unfortunately, Buhari’s promises are not reliable. Seven years ago when he was first elected into office, Buhari promised to end Boko Haram. Boko Haram is still active, albeit somewhat crippled by the emergence of ISWAP (ISIS West African Province).

And how can he, the President, promise only now, to fish out the killers? The violence in Plateau State has been endemic for decades. Before Wednesday’s gruesome events, the last round of butchery was only in September of last year.

If the president expects us to believe he can fish out the killers now, why didn’t he do it then, or at any of the numerous times violence has broken out before now in Plateau, or indeed in the beleaguered states of Benue, Niger, Kaduna, Zamfara, and so on?

Mr. Buhari appears intent on riding off into the sunset just the same way he cruised into Aso Rock all those years ago, riding atop a carriage of false promises.

Well, at least his time is nearly done and we shan’t be seeing him for a while. Nigerians must keep our attention on those who aspire to the office, making sure to elect a leader with a credible, verifiable, and positive track record.

I’ll end on this note, but just before I do, all that talk about track records brings one more headline to mind. Kola Abiola, son of legendary Nigerian politician, Moshood Kasihmawo Abiola, who was murdered after having won Nigeria’s first democratic election in 1993, declared his intention to run for the presidency on Thursday.

There’s nothing quite remarkable about this in itself. While Kola is probably a political nobody, he won’t be the first one to aspire to the highest political office, or perhaps to acquire the distinction of being known as a one-time presidential candidate.

Whichever the case, what is remarkable is that Kola Abiola seems, though he has not outrightly said so, to expect Nigerians to respect him because of his name. Oh and speaking of the name, the Abiola family was in the news just the previous week, again in connection with the presidential election.

On that occasion, it was Hafsat Abiola, Kola’s sister and campaign manager for yet another presidential hopeful, Kogi State governor, Yahaya Bello, making the news when she compared Bello with her late father. Whatever the arguments for and against such a comparison are, if Kola’s own sister can be persuaded to manage the presidential interests of a rival candidate against her brother’s, then why does Kola expect Nigerians to rate him?

Yeah, Kola, like most politicians, definitely does not rate Nigerians. But his emergence on the political scene is likely to be a hot topic at beer parlours across the nation tonight so at least, there’s that.